Jocko's
Defense
Jocko Speaks -- ., 19:13:21
10/06/00 Fri
Colleagues in the AKFC, fellow board regulars, friends, and foes:
I have been asked to present my case regarding the recent unrest, which has so
vexed the individual known (formally) as “Albert James Knabe II.”
Indirectly, it has created a problem for the rest of this board’s posters,
since all we see anymore is Knabe bitching like a pistol-whipped whore about how
unfair life is. But I’m getting ahead of myself here. For those who are not
familiar with the events to date, allow me to summarize briefly.
In the final days of our ITW exodus, many of us took to late-night raids on ITW
boards in a display of civil disobedience. I name no names, since I alone stand
under scrutiny and I fully exonerate all others involved with the raids in this
matter. It is alleged that I used the name, board address, and email address of
the aggrieved Mr. Knabe as a means of covering my own tracks, and throwing
suspicion upon an uninvolved third party.
To this charge I proudly plead GUILTY. Guiltier than you’ll ever know.
However, his claims of fraud are specious. His threats of legal action are
indicative of his entitlement-minded, big-government, nanny-state thinking. His
absolute failure to dissuade any of the patsies from the pageant boards proves
that, although he is NOT the maniac who attacked those boards, he is certainly
SOME KIND OF MANIAC anyhow.
His claim is that I am “fixated” on him, and as a member of my own gender (I
will require medical documentation to fully believe that this is so- he whines
like a girl) that he qualifies as grounds for my suspension or expulsion from
the hallowed temple of the AKFC. I will mention at this time the many solid
arguments against this facetious falsehood made by both friends (like Lost Dog
and Aerotica) and former foes (Dr. Truth). All have been thorough logical
examinations of both the circumstances and the rule itself, each worthy of the
poesy waxed by a longtime AKFC veteran. I am thankful for their support and
proud to have earned their respect. Have I violated the first rule? Am I
“fixated”?
To the second charge I plead INNOCENT.
Let me explain why in two parts. First, the application of the term
“Fixated” and its inaccurate application in this case by the plaintiff, who
is a pathetic worm of a creature. Secondly, I will address my ongoing tender
mercies aimed at the plaintiff.
First, let us examine the word itself. “Fixation” is, by definition, an
ongoing and constant pondering of something or someone. By association, this can
also be applied to the actions taken as a result of such consuming attentions.
While I do not deny that Knabe has “been my bitch” (as the kids are fond of
saying) for well over a year, my gentle ministrations do not amount to
“fixation” for three simple reasons:
1. The persona of “Jocko” has contributed to the board and its endeavors on
many other fronts. Unlike the plaintiff, I am no one-trick pony. While Knabe is
responsible for my appearance here in the first place, I think we can all agree
that he is not, nor has ever been, “Jocko’s” sole reason for existence.
By way of contrast, let us look at the plaintiff himself. Knabe’s sole reason
for posting here is to draw abuse and garner ill-will, which he interprets as
envy. In particular, he has tried to unloose his watered-down Texan venom upon
me in retaliation (as is his right). So in this, Knabe is far closer to
demonstrating “fixation” than am. As a result, I consider such an obsessive
youth to be an unreliable judge of what “fixation” amounts to, since he
swims in it daily but never comprehends his silliness.
Additionally, it is clear that Knabe carries this matter beyond the keyboard,
whereas I barely give it a thought when not addressing it in a straightforward
and direct manner. Knabe loses sleep over this; I do not. As I have stated on
numerous occasions, the torment of Albert Knabe is a diverting hobby, no more.
2. Secondly, there is the question of precedent. I speak specifically of the
entanglements other AKFC members have found themselves in; i.e. our esteemed
President SR and Dr. Truth, Burntoutbill and Knabe, Roadkill and everybody.
These flame wars have often been of a protracted and personal nature.
I submit that the only difference between these conflicts and the one between me
and the plaintiff is one of degree, and there is no difference in regard to
their natures. While it can be argued that “fixation” may be measured by
duration, I would assert that such measurement is subjective and inherently
flawed. In any event, definitive guidelines would have to be established to
delineate a significant difference between my torturing Knabe and SR’s briefer
wrestling match with Dr. Truth. Even if such guidelines were implemented, I
would claim ex post facto and therefore be exempt insofar as this case is
concerned, as I’m sure Hot Karl can confirm under the rule of law. However, I
do not anticipate such a clause being added to the charter, as any
black-and-white measurement would ipso facto be capricious and suspect.
3. As stated so clearly by Dr. Truth this week, the SPIRIT of the fixation rule
is in regard to gender, not sex. The basis of the entire club is rooted in
gender identity and maintaining the integrity of traditional gender roles in
society, and the struggle against those who would corrupt the natural world
order of such.
If I were truly “fixated” on the plaintiff, my attentions would be of a
kinder, even affectionate nature. The fact that Albert possesses a Y chromosome
has no bearing on my opinion of him (chromosome statement being made on faith,
of course). Neither his biological sex nor his gender, i.e., his sexuality, have
any bearing on my tenor when dealing with him. The most cursory examination of
our history will confirm this assertion. Beyond the obligatory “you’re a fag
child molestin’ dog-rapin’ pedophile” references, you will be unable to
find any inappropriate gender-related subtext. If impugning the sexual
preference or potency of one’s opponent is a crime, then you accuse every
military and political leader in human history with me. It is a tradition as old
as time, and has no legitimate connection to sexual fixation. I present as an
example a ditty told to me by my grandfather, who proudly served this nation in
Africa and Italy in 1944, losing a leg to a nazi landmine:
“Hitler’s only got one ball,
Himmler has two, but very small.”
There’s more to it, but you get the idea.
Therefore, for these reasons, I assert my innocence of the charge of fixation,
either in the literal or interpretive sense. In light of the plaintiff’s own
obsessive history, I hereby request that this case be dismissed summarily.
Now, in the “you didn’t ask but I’m telling you anyway” category, let me
briefly explain my reasons for hounding Albert Knabe. Yes, I agree that it is
hounding at the very least. Most of you are aware that I did not seek out Knabe-
he found ME. Logo Dave and BUZZ were also witnesses to the uninvited trespass of
Knabe on another message board. He deluged the Kevin Matthew’s board with
advertisements for, and solicitation of donations to, his infamous “World
Peace Concert.” This in spite of the boldy-fonted “no ads” caveat in the
board’s header. He was asked to stop posting. He refused. He was asked to
leave. He indignantly refused, and began to rail against our “IGNORance.”
Knabe threw the first punch. I have witnesses.
As I began to know him better, I saw a slowing emerging picture of a creature so
foul and low, I took enjoyment in abusing him. His impotently indignant cries of
superiority were quite precious. Seeing him bested is like the feeling you get
when that lousy parent finally decides that the kid is crying too loudly, and
they take the brat out of the theater.
I saw Albert Knabe demand the overthrow of the U.S. government, written on a
taxpayer-funded library computer.
I read Albert’s self-serving pleas for money, so he could continue to spread
the word about blowing your SSI welfare check on marijuana.
I see Albert invite intelligent criticism and debate (which I tried in the early
days) with poster after poster, only to condemn their relative “IGNORance”
three days into the exchange, whereupon he declares himself the winner in a way
only Milosevic could admire.
I see an impudent, spoiled child rolling along ADA-mandated, taxpayer funded
handicapped accessible sidewalks, happily wallowing in unemployment, and toking
up with my tax dollars, demanding recognition for his brilliance and displaying
none.
Now he wants to be mayor. Whose “IGNORance” will be to blame when he fails,
and fails badly? You ALL KNOW IT’S COMING.
Who can deny these truths?
This is why I torment Albert James Knabe II. Because I don’t like snot-nosed
pricks and their entitlement attitudes. Because some people arouse the need in
others to take them down a notch or two. I have been on the receiving end of
this treatment myself, and with good reason- the difference?
I LEARNED SOMETHING FROM IT. Learning is a skill that Knabe is utterly unable or
unwilling to entertain. SR, you have said as much yourself. It is not that
he’s dumb as a stick (he is), it’s that he’s not getting any smarter. That
is his choice, I say let him live with it.
So my fellow posters and AKFC peers, I put my fate in your hands. I do not
renounce my actions (except in regard to the planting of Knabe’s board
address- that has ceased and shall not be done again), and I will not acquiesce
to Knabe’s taking shelter behind the first amendment, even as he bemoans how
others use it. Jocko shall ever be the other edge of the double-edged blade of
free speech and responsibility.
Respectfully Submitted, this evening of October 6th, year of our lady 2000,
AKFC for boys who get misty-eyed when the
Deltas walk out of their disciplinary hearing, humming the national anthem in
"Animal House"
