Burntoutbill

Burntoutbill's Song Parodies

"The Wreck of the THSMB"

sung to the tune of "The Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfoot

by BurntOutBill

The legend lives on from ITW on down,
Of the big page they called "THSMB"
The MB, it is said, never gives up for dead
When the bastards that run us turn gloomy!
With a load of board whores twenty-six jokers or more
makes the other boards look kind of empty.
the good board it's said, never bowed down her head,
When those bastards came deleting early.

The board was the pride of the Howard Stern side,
Coming back from the dead we were cursing!
As the ball breakers go, we we're bigger than most,
With a good crew and captain well seasoned!
Re-reading the terms with a couple of law firms
When they left fully loaded for bombing.
And later that night when the board's bell rang,
Could it be Tennesee tell all deleting?

The porn on the boards and a sound wave or two
you could almost here them deleting
And every pirate knew, as the captain did too,
T'was Itw's money we were stealin'.
The dawn came late and the breakfast had to wait
When the pirates of our board came slashin'.
When afternoon came we were bombing again
with the force of a hurricane's passion!

When suppertime came, ITW killed us again sayin'.
Fellas, it's too rough to read ya.
At Seven P.M. our main board up again,
Doc said Fellas, it's been good t'know ya
The captain wired again he had porn comin' in
And the good board and crew was in peril.
And later that night with his wits outta sight
Came the wreck of the THSMB.

Does any one know where the Message Board goes
When ITW turns minutes to hours?
The poster's all say there's gotta be a better way
If they'd put fifteen more boards behind her.
They might have split up or they might have survived;
May have broke down and asked for no quarter.
And all that remains is the faces and the names
click the monkey to see them you oughta.

"Doooctor Ivan"

sung to "Sweet Emotion" by Aerosmith

Doooctor Ivan

You post about things in yer underwear

You're scratching your head but ya gots no hair

You're deleting my post but I gotta make clear

I can't say doctor where we'll be in a year

Some sweat hog poster with a face like a gent

Said to a couple of posters why don't ya go and get bent

Well I got good news she's a real good liar

Cause asmodeus' pussy'll set yer pecker on fire

Doooctor Ivan

Massa had a baby looked a little like tar

Roadkill said I flamed him just a little too far

You're tellin' me things but fat Eugene lied

You can't catch me cause the message board died

(yes it did)

Posting your message, see enter, just click

I'll unzip my fly and let you suck on my dick

I'll talk about somethin' you can sure understand

at the queens b-b-que Aerotica's tits are in my hands!

"The Tits That Blurred"

sung to "The Way We Were"

by Barbra Streisand

Mammaries, caused the stretch marks on my mouth!

Peachy water-colored mammaries that really filled her shirt!

Tattered brassiers of those cans were left behind

Smiles we gave to one another for the D's that were.

Can it be that it was all so genuine

Or has Sal Calabro fixed every line

If she had the chance to enlarge again, tell me, would she, could she

Mammaries may be beautiful and yet

when I stick my head between them, her panties ooze and are wet

So it's the stretch marks we will remember

Whenever we remember the tits that blurred.

The tits that blurred.

"Hot Karl's Song"

sung to the tune of "Taxman" by the Beatles

Let me tell you how it will be

There's one for you, nineteen for me

'Cause I'm the Lawyer, yeah, I'm the Lawyer!

Your settlement appears too small,

Be thankful I don't take it all

'Cause I'm the Lawyer, yeah, I'm the Lawyer!

If you break the law, I'll defend you,

If you hit a cop, I'll find a Jew.

If you're driving drunk, I'll help you too,

If you got good smoke, I'll smoke with you!

'Cause I'm the lawyer, yeah, I'm a scumbag too!

Don't ask me how I learned the law,

If you don't want to pay me some more

'Cause I'm the Lawyer, yeah, I'm the Lawyer

Now my advice for those who lie,

in the 'lectric chair you're gonna die

'Cause I'm the Lawyer, yeah, I'm the Lawyer!

And if you got no money take a plea.

Livin' La Rican Loca!

sung to the tune of Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vita Loca!"

He runs from immigration,

the cops and rednecks too!

he kills the cucarocha's,

with his platform pointy shoes!

he likes to flame po' Elroy,

won't let him join the club!

he buys his meals with foodstamps,

can't hold a job, that scrub!

he'll write a post about his weekend that really is so lame, he'll tell you

all about it, just to make you go insane!

like a bullet in your brain!

faggot, queer, homo,

livin' la rican loca!

he'll stab you in the back,

livin' la rican loca!

his boy's club is so gay,

and hot karl's the next joka!

he won't let eugene play,

livin' la rican loca!

he's livin' la rican loca!

he's livin la rican loca!

Iron Mike's Song

"You're A Pollack"

sung to the tune of "Come As You Are"

by Nirvana

You're

A pollack

Dumb as shit

you sit down when you pee

like a girl

drink and hurl

Hitler beat you in a week

Take your time

zipper up

your penis caught

Don't you scream

Take a breath

It feels like death

As an old pollack

I'm a pollack

Came

in my wife

Screwed her twice

Now I want pork fried rice

An eggroll

Filled her hole

With my long Warsaw pole

I'm a pollack

I'm a pollack!

And I swear

That I don't have a brain

No I don't have a brain

I'm a pollack

I'm a pollack {don't have a brain}

And I swear

That I don't have a brain

cause my wife don't look the same

No I really am not lame

No I don't have a gun

but I wish I had a gun

"Roadkill Must Die"

sung to the tune of "American Pie" by Don McLean

A long, long, time ago,

I can still remember how those poster's used to make me smile!

And I knew if I had my chance

That I could make those poster's laugh

And maybe they'd be happy for a while.

But Alan Cheng, he made me shiver,

With every wise crack I'd deliver!

Bad news for the street whore,

we chased him off of our board!

I can't remember if I cried,

When I laughed at Eugene's tux and tie,

But something touched me deep inside,

The day the MB died!

So,

{Refrain}

Bye-bye, Roadkill must die,

Drove my chevy on his heady

just to pop out an eye

And then the night crew was drinking whiskey and rye

Singin' this'll be the day that I die

I'm laughing so hard I could cry!

Did you write the post above

And do believe the spic hasn't had enough

If the good doc tells you so

Do you believe in rock 'n roll

Can Howard save your mortal soul

And can you teach me how to post in slow mo!

Well, I know that she's in love with you,

'Cause I heard you chatting on icq!

You both teamed up at will,

to get that fucker Roadkill!

I was a lonely posting drunkin' fuck,

slamming elneck and his pickup truck

But I knew I was out of luck

The day the Roadkill died

I started singin'

{Refrain}

Now for ten months we've been bombing boards

And harassing people and calling them whores,

But that's not how it used to be

well the truth complained to inside the web,

and they believed everything he said,

about a voice that came from you and me

Oh, and while the truth was looking down

Then we bombed his board for fucking around

The message board was adjourned

No verdict was returned

And while Lennon read a book of Marx

The night crew practiced in the park

And we posted dirties in the dark

The day the Roadkill died

We were singing

{Refrain}

Helter Skelter in a summer swelter

The insiders flew off to a fallout shelter

Eight miles deep in Amish town

we b-b-qued fowl and smoked some grass

Then Aerotica fell for a forward pass

With the burnt one on the sidelines passing gas

Now the morning air was sweet perfume

While Bill stank up Elroy's bathroom

you all got up to leave

Oh, but you really had to pee

'Cause the spic he tried to play the field

The mariachi band refused to yield

Do you recall who was revealed

The day the Roadkill died

We started singing

{Refrain}

Oh, and there we were all in one place

A generation Lost in Space

With no time left to start again

So come on, Doc be nimble, Rump be quick

Lucifer sat on a candlestick

'Cause fire is the Devil's only friend

Oh, and as I watched him on the page

My hands were clenched in fists of rage

Koabo go to hell

Asmodeuce your pussy smells

And as the flames climbed high into the night

To light the sacrificial rite

I saw Truth deleting with delight

The day the Roadkill died

He was singing

{Refrain}

I met a girl who sang the blues

And I asked her for a blow job too

But she just smiled and turned away

I went down to the who's who board

Where I'd known the poster's years before

But the moderator said they'd all gone away

And on the boards the children screamed

The faeggots cried, and the lusters creamed

But not a word was spoken

my enter key was broken

And the three men I admire most

The Rumpster, Doc, but me the most

They got the last call from the host

The day the Roadkill died

And they were singing:

bye-bye, Roadkill must die

Drove my chevy on his heady

just to pop out an eye

The night crew was drinking whiskey and rye

Singin' this'll be the day that I die

"Time In A Bottle"........AJ Knabe's song

sung to the tune by Jim Croce

If I could save time in a bottle

The first thing that I'd like to do

Is to save every thread

'Til Eternity passes away

Just to post them on Doc's board to you

If I could make essay's forever

If words could make wishes come true

I'd save every thread like a treasure and then,

Again, I would post them on Doc's board to you

CHORUS:

But there never seems to be enough time

To whine about the things in life you want to

Once you find them

I've wheeled around enough to know

That smoking dope and whining loud is what I want to do

If I had a box just for concerts

And dreams that had never come true

The box would be empty

Except for the memories

Of how they were flamed by Bill

CHORUS

"You're So Vain"... Rumple's song

sung to the tune by Carly Simon

You posted on the messageboard, like you were better than everyone

Your hat strategically dipped below one eye

Your cartoon was your pun

You had one eye on the hotmail as you watched yourself have fun,

And all the peeps dreamed that they'd be your partner

They'd be your partner, and...

You're so vain, you probably think this gif is about you

You're so vain, I'll bet you think this gif is about you

Don't you? Don't You?

You killed me several years ago when you did that thing with the chink

Well you flushed him down a toiletbowl

but you never left the link

But you animated other peeps and one of them was me

I had some dreams, they were 'toons in my puter

'toons in my puter, and...

you're so vain, you probably think this gif is about you,

don't you, don't you?

"Proud Knabe"

sung to the tune of "Proud Mary" by CCR

Love a good ride in my mustang,

Speeding down the highway most everyday,

And I never lost one minute of sleepin',

Worryin' 'bout the way I might end up.

CHORUS:

Big wheel keep on turnin',

Proud Knabe keep on burnin',

Rollin', rollin', rollin' in a mustang.

Post a lot of crap from Texas,

Pumped a lot of shit on Doc's MB,

But I never saw the good side of the city,

'Til I hitched a ride as a wheel chair queen.

CHORUS

Rollin', rollin', rollin' in a wheel chair.

If you come down to the desert,

You're gonna hear a concert all for free.

You don't have to worry 'cause I have no money,

People in the desert are happy to give.

CHORUS

Rollin', rollin', rollin' in a wheel chair!

"Friggin' Burnt Out Bill"

sung to the tune of "The Addams' Family" theme,

(a tribute to burntoutbill by Doctor Ivan)

He's drunker than a sailor,

Army, Navy is his tailor,

Residing in a trailer,

Friggin' Burnt Out Bill!

As Racist as Archie Bunker,

Makes his livin' as a plumber,

Most likely barf on my shoes this summer,

Friggin' Burnt Out Bill!

DAH,DAH,DAH,DAH

Drunk!

DAH,DAH,DAH,DAH

As a skunk!

DAH,DAH,DAH,DAH

Liver is sunk!

So forget about thinkin',

To This Board he'll be linkin'

It's time to do some drinkin',

With Friggin' Burnt Out Bill!

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